Month: March 2012

If you’re looking to stay near the French Quarter in New Orleans, the Empress Hotel is cheap. In fact, far FAR cheaper than other offerings.

Needless to say, I was curious as to why, as if I didn’t already know. Indeed, it does seem that there are a few drawbacks according to this reviewer:

This place is gorgeous! Five star! Any positive or ok review was definitely not written by the hotel, a customer wrote it. This is the least disgusting place I have ever seen. It is not a scam at all. They didn’t lure us in with fake hotel photos. Then we signed up and after we saw (how awesome) the room (was) they would not refund our money (it was too awesome for us).

1. This is great if you want to get a feel of what a g&y-prostituti-n hot bed is like – it was like we were on bleepin’ tv! amazing!
2. There was a really cool hole in the floor – a big one – it was exciting because we don’t know how far down it goes!!
3. It was exciting because it smelled like p*e and was obviously uncleaned – other people that night found used razor blades and used soap in their “$130 room.”
4. The bathrooms were exciting and built trust because they couldn’t close since they were half ripped off (the top hing was almost entirely ripped off, probably by some cool-a5s plmp) I got to shlt in front of my date if I had to! Hahahaha, who doesn’t want an excuse to do that?!
5. The excitement was sky-high because the sprinklers were cut! Fire meant certain death – eXciTiNg!!!!!!
6. If you’ve ever wanted to see protltutes in the wild – they are everywhere! They surround this place! Awesome!
7. There were cool razor blade marks all over from cutting up (baby asprin?!) it made it authentic and real!! Rustic!
8. They found a dead h0oker in one of the rooms a few weeks before we got there – did she die of excitement?!!
9. The bathroom floor was caving in (preparing us for our swaying cruise) and smelled like celebrity urine. Were we in a room with celebrity urine?! I hope so! I took a swab home for my collection!
10. The ice bucket was already used and dirty when we got there (I almost stole it as a momento – was it Johnny Depp who used it last?!!!?!?!??!!!)
11. They won’t let you leave the premesis with the keys or you are charged an extra $10. (I assume so many people steal the keys to prove they actually were awesome enough to stay in such an awesome establishment).
12. The theme or our room – I can only assume – was “celebrity toilets” – it must have been because there were a bunch of used run-down toilets out our window, in front of a house that looked like it was about to fall down (movie prop??!?!!?!!?)
13. The grease-like substance which covered nearly everything was left in-tact for our enjoyment (celebrity c*m?!!!)
14. We didn’t want to disturb the sheets – which were obviously used many times over by celebrities – I think a few of them had even pissed on them based on the smell!!
15. Someone (I assume they were high-profile) was bold enough to put his/her cigs out on the coffee table! Oh, boy!
16. A bald, cross-dressed (celebrity?!!) pretending to be a pr0stitute was arguing over his “rent” (lol) when we got there.
17. They even pay a man to dress like a pimp and pretend to be eye-f@cking your date when you come/go – just so it’s exciting!!!!
18. I kinda fell for all the stagecraft – I really felt like myself or my date was actually going to get raped! I wouldn’t even let her go in the hallway while I cr@pped with the door open!!! (There were “s#x” noises like crazy in the hallway – so authentic. We couldn’t even find their speakers! So real!)
19. There was more awesomeness – but I can’t divulge it all and ruin it!
20. They wouldn’t give the people (who obviously thought it was a ReAL wh0rehouse) their money back! These people thought it was a scam, lol!!!
21. I’m not making any of this up – they went to that level of trouble to make sure you had the experience of a “real new orleans wh0rehouse!” for only $75 – $175 and up!!
22. They really want it to feel authentic, because they even pay the taxi drivers to drop off un-suspecting tourists! Can you imagine how scared they’d be if they thought it was all real?!!

Go here! I don’t think you’ll get aids.
Room Tip: There is no good room. Just pee on yourself, then crash in a pile of garbage instead.