Author: The Mascot

Great moments in history: Helen Keller’s death

Posted on By The Mascot 1 Comment on Great moments in history: Helen Keller’s death
History

Helen Keller was pretty famous for being blind and deaf. However, I talked to this one historian who doubts this and presented some compelling evidence.

Go Google some images of Helen Keller. Please note she clearly had TWO eyes and TWO ears. And we’re expected to believe that ALL FOUR were not working at the same time??? Yeah, right!

It’s pretty clear she was just faking it for some attention.

(Interesting Fact: Stevie Wonder thought this was a great idea, and uses a similar scheme, except without the deaf part.)

Helen Keller's Death

Now Keller wasn’t stupid. She realized she might slip up some day and people would catch on to her tricks. So she and her handlers devised the perfect plan…

What if she “accidentally” stabbed herself in the stomach with a knife from the kitchen that was just lying on the counter? Since she was “blind”, it makes sense that she might not be able to see it. Then people would be sad and no one could question her “blindness” and “deafness”. (You can see me re-enacting the death in the picture.)

Fortunately for Helen, almost everyone bought her act about being blind and deaf anyway.
Unfortunately for Helen, it meant that her cover story was useless, and she died in vain. Although she would be dead by now anyway. Probably.

I’m back

Posted on By The Mascot 2 Comments on I’m back
Blog News

Hey look, I’m back! LEP is going to rise from the ashes! We’re going to have posts, the best posts.

great again

I’m a little jet lagged, so I’m gonna rest up first. Then the world will see TRUE greatness once again!

(Oh yeah, I got this great deal on some hats. Pretty neat, huh? But I found out some other guy has the same kind of hats. That bastard must have stolen my idea.)

*Footnote: I DO NOT SMELL

For vengeance!

Posted on By The Mascot 3 Comments on For vengeance!
Blog News

I entrusted the human who used to blog on this site to help defend the unrepresented Eggish race.

Instead, he has dithered, permitting the human race to continue devouring my kind unabated.

No longer. We ride. We return. And you Humans will be shamed, bribed, or coerced into eating us no longer.

(Oh, by the way, here’s my idea for the official Eggish flag. Looks ravishing if I should say so myself. No Mastication Without Representation!)

The purple is to our royal history and great monarchs.
The yellow represents the spirit of Yolk that resides within all true Eggs and their Allies.
The kind of puke green represents vomit that should be spewing from your mouth just thinking about how barbaric it is to consume another sapient species like the Egg.

eggish flag

Why do popes change their names to something boring?

Posted on By The Mascot No Comments on Why do popes change their names to something boring?
In the News, Religion, Weaksauce Losers

So they say to this guy Jorge Mario Bergoglio, “Hey, dude, we want you to be the leader of a billion-person organization, but you need to change your name” and he says “Uh, OK, some other popes used Francis; I guess I’ll use that one.”

Really, George?

It’s like if my name were Robert and I decided to change my name to Derek. People would say, “Oh yeah, you’re so cool, changing your name from one millions of people use to a name millions of other people use.” And while they were saying it, they would kind of purse their lips and use that tone of voice just on the edge of straight and sarcastic. Not sarcastic enough so you can call them out on it, but enough so you KNOW they respect you slightly less than the leftover sugar that didn’t dissolve in your coffee.

But you look at a baller like Metta World Peace…now he had the right idea.

Elect me as pope, and guaranteed I’ll drag the Catholic church out of the 13th century and into the 20th. For starters, giving myself a cool name, like Pope Space Ghost or Pope Spider-man. Someone cool. 4chan and Reddit would completely blow up! And they’d talk about how maybe this new pope isn’t a child molester or Nazi sympathizer for a change.

And if those cardinals give me flak for my sweet new name, all I gotta say is “I’m the damn POPE; I’m infallible, mortal scum!” And they won’t even be able to call me out for using the minor swear word “damn”, because I would have said it in Latin.

Chess Enquirer, Feb 2012

Posted on By The Mascot 6 Comments on Chess Enquirer, Feb 2012
Chess

Yeah, it’s getting old, but what the heck. Good for pretending I’m spending a bunch of time on new content.

In this month’s issue…

Aronian plotting to start World War 3

REVEALED: Aronian’s secret late-night strategy sessions with the spirit of Kim Jong -Il!

The secret agenda behind the Chess Blogger Carnival:
Don’t expect Pearson or BDK to tell you!

Prior Chess Enquirers:

Mar 2011
May 2010
January 2010
June 2008

How to commentate on sports, part 2

Posted on By The Mascot 5 Comments on How to commentate on sports, part 2
Burning Agony, Sports

TMSN

Lesson 2: A vital part of commentating on sports is to criticize the playcalling with the benefit of hindsight. You should ignore the fact that even good coaching decisions have a chance to fail.

This is especially effective when you point out that you agreed with the initial call, making you a hypocrite.

Let’s look at ESPN’s Pat Yasinskas’ blog to give us a perfect example:

When Mike Smith first decided to go for it on fourth-and-inches in overtime, I liked the call. I thought it was gutsy and ambitious. After watching Michael Turner get stuffed, I changed my mind. Smith should have punted and taken his chances with his defense.

Hey, no one said sports commentary had to make any sense.