Hey people, I’m starting this feature called “Dear Mascot”. You can write me, and I might answer your email on the blog. Write me at themascot -AT- liquideggproduct.com
Here’s our first one*:
Dear Mascot,
Why are you such a dooofus?
N.N.
Dear N.N.,
It’s not as easy as it looks. And you spelled doofus wrong. Idiut.
The Mascot
* For illustrative purposes only. May or may not be based on an actual reader email.
Dear Mascot:
I heard from a Source that in addition to your many other talents, you are also a Master of Esoterica, Magick and Alchemical Knowledge passed down by the Ancient Secret Societies that you are a member of (I know, it’s okay to pretend that your not).
Anyway, I read about the formula the Hashshashin (AKA the Assassins) used to drug candidates and convince them they had visited Paradise. I wondered if you could help out on the precise details, because I tried it with the five percent Belladonna and it didn’t quite get the subject to Paradise; he did say he was living in the movie Shrek II for about an hour, but that’s not going to get it done. I need to perfect this soon, because the clock is running on my timetable for recruiting a cadre of dedicated minions and achieving World Domination. I am supposed to have at least 5,000 fanatical followers by the start of the new fiscal year on July 1.
Can you help a brother out?
Sincerely,
H-1 S II
Dear Hassan,
Thank for your interest. My policy at this time is to only respond to Nigerian princes who promise to wire millions of dollars into my bank account for unfathomable reasons.
However, since you seem like a nice guy (and you’ve been dead a millenium), I will advise that the formula requires the use of fava beans as opposed to pinto beans.
Hope this helps,
The Mascot
don’t forget the liver and the nice Chianit… fpppfpppfppfpp
dear Mascot,
Of course, of course! The BEANS. You are a wonder and a treasure, and you will be at my right hand as I sit on the Throne of Veraghamna. I should have control of a small country by October and I shall send for you.
BTW, I am not the dead Hassan-i Sabbah, but Hassan-i Sabbah II, his reincarnation. I only discovered this a few years ago, after wasting many years as a dishwasher at the Radisson Hotel in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. I should have tried those mushrooms a lot sooner.
I will soon let you know how the project is progressing, so you can take your rightful place as Most Glorious Egg Mascot of Hassan-i Sabbah II!,
All the Best,
H-1 S II