Great Eggs in History

While Donnie is off pretending to be important in Miami, I am staying with his girlFIEND Katrushka for a bit. I am very nervous because she is an unrepentant egg-eater but so far I seem to be safe. I guess she knows that Donnie will be heartbroken if anything happens to me. Anyway, Katrushka is helping me by editing the entry because she has a degree in Writing Stuff or whatever silly things women get degrees in. I think I offended her because told her she couldn’t change my stuff based on facts she looked up or whatever, but she could add footnotes. So if you see a number, that means there’s a note from Katrushka at the bottom of the entry. And it’s in a smaller font because it’s not as important.

Well, speaking of bossing women around, I want to talk about one of my late, great ancestors. That’s why I’m calling it “Great Eggs in History” instead of continuing the “Great Moments in History” series. Today I want to talk about my ancestor Egghis Khan. Egghis Khan was a Mongrel¹ and a serious badass who conquered most of Asia and later his sons and grandsons conquered some of the Middle East and Europe and they probably would’ve conquered Mars if there had been spaceships². “Egghis Khan” is ancient Mongrelian for “Super Egg King.” Egghis Khan had about a million wives, concubines, and “surprises.”³ In fact, it is estimated that 0.5% of all eggs AND HUMANS are genetically related to Egghis Khan. He was a lovin’ machine. And a fightin’ machine. Oh, and he kinda destroyed a lot of valuable stuff in other people’s cultures…but he did so because he took over their places and made them better! The Mongrel Empire eventually stretched from Mongrelia, where Egghis was born, all the way to Eastern Europe. And they didn’t have cars or planes or teleporters back then.⁴ ALSO, he was known for his tolerance (except for other people owning things he wanted) and wasn’t a racist at all! (Because anybody could be one of his insanely hot wives, no matter what race you were, as long as you were female. And insanely hot. I have the same criteria for my girlfriends.) And he had a lot of descendants, including me, the most important one. Here are some other important descendants:

In conclusion: Egghis Khan is my hero, and I am related to some weirdos⁵. I expect you all to refer to me by my new, ancestrally-correct name, Mascot Khan.

1 Mongol. He refused to believe it was a word.
2 Or air to breathe.
3 “Surprises” meaning “Surprise! You’re going to have my baby in 9 months!”
4 He is convinced that Star Trek is a documentary, and nothing I say will convince him otherwise.
5 He’s only related to some weirdos. Riiiiight.