I wanted to organize a big Halloween bash but Donnie was like “lolz halloween’s for sux0rs noob” and Mr. E said “Naw, man, I’m too old for that stuff.”
So was I stuck deciding whether to crash a party or pulling a trick and stealing the kids’ treats (haha, see what I did there?) Now I’ve only been in human culture for a year, so someone had to advise me that it’s not impossible I’d get “arrested” if things got out of hand. So I decided to just hand out egg-free food to local trick-or-treaters.
I needed to get a treat, so went to the store and bought a box of raisins. Unfortunately, I ate most of the box so there wasn’t very much left come evening, so each kid would have a strict ration of 5 raisins. Here’s an example of how it went:
| [Kid knocks on the door; I open it. There are three tub-o-lard kids and a parent.] | |
| Kids: | Trick-or-treat!!! |
| Fat Kid: | That’s a great costume, Mr. Egg! |
| Me: | I’m not wearing a costume, I’m really an egg. |
| Obese Kid: | Ha ha. You’re funny, Mr. Egg! |
| Obeser Kid: | What about our treats? |
| [I decided they were so fat, they didn’t need more food. So I gave them 3 raisins instead of 5.] | |
| Parent: | What was that you put in the bag? |
| Me: | Raisins. Each kid got 3. I made sure they all got the same thing. |
| Fat Kid: | Ew, raisins? |
| Obeser Kid: | Yeah, that sucks! |
| Me: | Shut up you ungrateful little twerp! Your fat butt is going to have a heart attack at 14 and you don’t need more help from me to do it! |
| Parent: | Is this your idea of a joke? |
| Me: | Maybe if you stopped feeding your kids Crisco bars and ice cream for breakfast, I wouldn’t feel bad about giving them candy! |
| Parent: | Ugh! You are a disgusting (etc., etc.) |
Next year, I’m crashing a party.
You’re the Scrooge of Halloween. Bah humbug!
hey at least you didn’t shoot them.
Some of your readership is overweight you know. ::scowls:: jk
Never forget that parents nowadays always think ‘my kid best kid’ they cant do anything wrong. You are lucky the parent didn’t crack your shell.
@Polly: I’m hurt. I was trying to get in the spirit of things!
@Annie: That wasn’t an option. For some reason, they’ve been denying me a firearms permit, saying my application is obviously fake.
@l3rucewayne: Don’t worry. I don’t blame overweight people, I blame their parents.
@chesstiger: I’ve been learning kung-fu, they couldn’t have hurt me!
So, when I got the three raisins as a kid. My buddy and I took a dump in a paper bag and came back later. Before doing the flaming poo bag trick, we took vaseline and coated his windsheild wipers. Then… we took EGGS… and yeah… egged the car and stuffed a tennis ball up the exhaust pipe.
Never knew whatever became of that neighbor.
I’m going to give you a break on this one. You were probably never taught properly as a kid to respect your fellow man. Humans and eggs alike.
So I expect you won’t egging anything in the future, right? RIGHT? Yeah, thought as much.