Blue Devil Knight has decided to start blogging again instead of taking care of his daughter. He’s calling for a Chess Improvement Blog Carnival. Here’s my submission.
There’s a somewhat famous book called “How to Beat Your Dad at Chess”. That’s all well and good, but the book covers too small of a niche. It’s useless for people like me, whose dad doesn’t even play chess. Or Luke Skywalker, who refuses to acknowledge he has a dad.
But most of us do play women at least once in a while. Like a few years ago in one of the Tournament of Lepers, chess blogger Polly crushed me in a match. And to be honest, I still need some stiff Jamaican rum to drink away the pain of that defeat. So I developed this 4-step program on how to beat women at chess.
My research revealed a great surprise: it turns out that women are people, too. Losing to that female 1400 drops you just as many rating points as losing to that male 1400. Here are some tips on how to deal with them:
When you’re sitting at the chessboard, your eyes should be directed towards those black and white things on the table. If your eyes are wandering anywhere above that level, you’re doing it wrong.
Sometimes, women will try to trick you by wearing a black and white shirt with the top few buttons undone. Don’t be fooled.
2. Do not redefine “center control”
Repeat this mantra, and repeat it again. “The center” refers to the squares d4, e4, d5 and e5. It does not mean what you want it to mean, even against Arianne Caoili.
3. Women can be emotional
See, there’s this thing called PMS. If you only play them during “that time of month”, females will be more likely to play emotionally than logically, increasing your winning changes.
If you do start to lose, tick them off by offering a draw every two or three moves. This will further increase any emotional imbalance already present.
4. Did I mention that women are people, too?
Bobby Fischer’s nugget of wisdom notwithstanding, playing a woman does not mean an auto-win.