After my exposé of the Knights Errant, a lot of people emailed me with stuff like “Hey, Mascot, that was pretty slick how you got all that top-secret information. Can you teach me how to be a spy?”
Of course, I can’t divulge all of my secrets. But this will get you on the right track.
1. Being a spy doesn’t make you cool: A lot of people think just because you scale walls, eavesdrop on evil dictators, and drive improbably decked out vehicles, being a spy can make you cool.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. You have to be cool first before you can be a spy. It’s like those commercials about the Most Interesting Man in the World. He isn’t interesting because he wanted to be. He’s interesting because he is interesting.
So if you’re like a nerd or something, you can’t be a spy.
A true spy’s identity is inscrutable — note the strategic use of masks. The CIA has no clue what the identities of “Shell Game” and “Agent R” are.
2. Make sure to wear a Zorro mask, so no one can recognize you.: If you’re familiar with the story of Zorro, Don Diego de la Vega was able to hide his identity for years (even though he was one of the five people in town who could have possibly fit the description). How? Because of the mask. And if it worked for Zorro, it can work for you.
The CIA took this picture of a suspicious exchange between two spies. Due to their masks, it’s impossible to tell who they are.
3. Don’t sleep with the sexy enemy agent: And the only exception to this rule is if you’re James Bond. Otherwise, one of three things will happen:
- 1. You’ll discover, too late, the wine was poisoned.
- 2. A knife under the pillow will find its way into your back.
- 3. The enemy agent will signal “Vladimir”, “Yuri”, and “Nicolai” to break in and beat you to a pulp before the inevitable KGB interrogation.
If you will forgive the stereotype of the brutal Russian spy. No offense to our Russian readers and readers married to Russians, of course. But it’s true.
I’m a first-timer to this site but all I can say are that both of those guys are sooo HAWT. I don’t know who they are but I would like to sleep with both of them. The author, “The Mascot” is so right-on, the only thing I would disagree with the author on is not sleeping with the sexy enemy agent, I would so totally like sleep with a sexy enemy agent, maybe two. The Republican Party needs to stop being the party of no and become the party of “Yes, YES, YESSSSSSS. We can win in 2010 and beyond if we recruit more hotttt guys and gals. Maybe these guys are Republicans? If not, I’ll personally welcome them to the Party.
Yeah I think the only reason to be a spy is to sleep with the sexy enemy agent!! Unless the sexy enemy agent is Jaws from the James Bond movie Moonraker. Then I am out!
Tommyg, remember even Jaws found love at the end of the film!
So true!!! And by the way, the Scientist from Moonraker? She is THE most underrated Bond woman ever! She is my favorite from any Bond film bar none!!
Ummm you mean Tanya Roberts? Charlie’s Angel Alum and Donna’s mom on That 70’s Show? No way! I prefer…hmm I’ll have to think about that one.
No..not Tanya Roberts!! The scientist from Moonraker. I just googled it and her real life name is: Lois Chiles.
All I know is that Halle Barry wasn’t that smokin’ of a Bond girl. And it had nothing to do with her not being white.
The mother-in-law: Russia’s secret weapon.
Thats how my husband got killed by those arrows a few posts ago.
@Meghan McCain: Wait, why are you attracted to us? Aren’t you lesbian? Or was that Dick Cheney’s daughter? I get all the old, white, balding Republicans confused…
The Libertarians are already the party of “yes yes yes” if you want to come over.
@Tommyg: Yeah, Jaws wasn’t that good-looking, but you know someone was attracted…
@Kate: Funny, that’s the United States’ secret weapon too. That and fast food.
@Mrs. Chessloser: No, he survived due to the evil Masonic magic. Stop trying to get that life insurance payout.
Why are two of the ninja turtles on your website?