As much as we’ll regret this later, the Mascot and I have decided to give you a behind-the-scenes look at the decision-making process that determines how some of the garbage and not-quite-garbage makes it on this site. (Some of you are new, and have little idea who this Mascot is. This post will mostly explain his origins.)
LEP Mascot: This week’s been awful. You’ve gotta go with that Saudi Arabia post or something. And I still don’t understand why you won’t let me post for a week.
Me: You know why. And that Saudi Arabia post STINKS, and I’m the one who wrote it. It’s not interesting. It’s not funny. Maybe you can add something worthwhile to it–
LEP Mascot: OK, Mr. Worthless Blogger Award winner.
Me: I didn’t mean it has to have any socially redeeming value. It just has to interest people.
LEP Mascot: I still don’t understand why you’re grounding me.
Me: If you’re going to insult people, you have to be funny. If you’re not, that’s a problem, and that’s what got Imus in trouble. Your Isiah [sic] Thomas post was OK. That euros instead of dollars line was good. But it’s not like it was the acme of comedy. Plus, you can’t go around making fun of women’s looks.
LEP Mascot: And this is from the guy who mocks Manuel Uribe’s weight.
Me: That guy was proud to receive his world’s fattest man award. As far as I’m concerned, he’s fair game. Sometimes you have to be a little diplomatic. Like instead of saying Anucha Browne’s ugly, you could say she’s a seven and under.
LEP Mascot: A seven and under?
Me: That Helen A. S. Popkin chick used that term to describe the people who aren’t incredibly beautiful. Like most of us.
LEP Mascot: So I could say Anucha is a two and under, and that’s better!
Me: *sigh* You aren’t getting this.
LEP Mascot: Just messing. Seven and under. Got it. So if I wanted to brag about my looks without seeming egotistical, I’d say I’m an eight and above?
Me: Yeah, I suppose….
LEP Mascot: And if I’m speaking in Diplomacy to you, it would be, “It’s too bad you’re a seven and under instead of an eight and above like me.” The English translation: “It sucks to have your face. You need plastic surgery to look like me.”
Me: Something like that…
LEP Mascot: What if I wrote my name as “Liquid E. P. Mascot”? How cool would that be?
Me: Not very.
LEP Mascot: You’re going away this weekend again, so you need a guest blogger. Too bad I’m grounded….
Me: *sigh* Go ahead. Saturday and Sunday are yours.
LEP Mascot: Yippee!
Me: I am so going to regret this.
LEP Mascot: This was awesome. We should make this a podcast next time.