You may be wondering why we didn’t talk about the Olympics. I asked Donnie and Mr. E not to until I can tell the story of my (sabotaged) path to multiple gold medals.
It started a few months before the Olympics, when I looked at the events and saw how easy they were. Running on a track for 200m? Are you kidding me? Anyway, Mr. E offered to help me train. Here’s a picture of me doing push-ups on the beach, with Mr. E yelling one of his motivational sayings:
Look at how buff Mr. E is, even more than me. One day, I hope to be as strong as him!
We even practiced some of that synchronized diving, and ended up being a great team. I tried to talk Mr. E into entering the event, but he said “I’ve had enough glory for multiple lifetimes. I don’t need anymore.” I was disappointed, but later I realized another problem: the men compete in this event wearing only skimpy Speedos. If Mr. E and I tried compete in public like that, all the women would stampede trying to get to us and cause a lot of injury or death.
I also practiced for track and field, and even tried out in front of the American Olympic organization. Those dudes were impressed with my times and considered putting me on the team. But in their rejection letter, they said “We don’t trust you to run as fast as those black guys.”
Later on, I was confronted by some thugs from the international Olympic company, the Chinese Olympic authorities, and the US Olympic committee in the locker room. (See the picture below. Notice they went after me when Mr. E wasn’t around, the cowards.) I tried to explain to them it was that Michael Phelps guy who planted that jar of steroids in my locker. Because he was afraid of me beating him in Beijing.
Then they interrogated me some more. They accused me of “switching stories” when I tried to explain it was just a jar of peanut butter. “Steroids” is the name of a new brand of peanut butter on the market in case you didn’t know.
So that’s why you didn’t see me breaking recording in this year’s Olympics. And I’m banned from participating in 2010. So I’m kind of bitter.