I never knew my parents. My first memory is pushing open the top of an egg carton, then stepping out of the container and into an aisle of the dairy section. The supermarket must have been closed because I don’t remember seeing any people.
I walked through the cereal aisle, and saw a picture of Cap’n Crunch. I knew at that time it was my destiny to sell boxes of cereal.
Even though the supermarket doors were locked, it couldn’t stop me! Because I’m two-dimensional, I was able to slip through the crack and into the world.
The first thing I wanted to do is walk around. Then I wanted to eat some beef jerky, so I tried to grab one from a convenience store but they didn’t like that unless I had money. I asked “What is money?”; they said “Are you stupid?”. I said “I’m new at this life thing; where can I get money?” They said “Get a job.” I said “OK, can I get money by selling cereal?”, and they said sure.
I still didn’t get any beef jerky.
So I went over to a Waffle House, where I thought I could sell cereal, but found out they served scrambled eggs for breakfast. I threw a Molotov Cocktail inside to teach them a lesson and stop innocent eggs from dying. Satisfied I’d done hard, worthwhile work, I went back to the convenience store and asked if I could get some money now. The guy behind the counter said arson didn’t count as a job, and I need to interview before working. And I should go away before the cops got there.
I really wanted some beef jerky at that point.
Since I happened to be in Battle Creek, Michigan, it was real close to both Post and Kellogg’s headquarters. I tried to get interviews, but the security guards kicked my shell. Then the guy at the other place wouldn’t even tell me how long General Mills had served in the armed forces. In desperation, I tried to interview at Malt-O-Meal but they laughed me out of the building.
So there was this goofy-looking white guy getting beat up by a 10-year-old. Being noble and stuff, I roundhouse-kicked the kid in the face, and asked the guy if he was all right. He said sure, and his name was Donnie. I asked him if he wanted to beat up the kid and take his lunch money; he said that was a good idea.
After evading the cops, he offered me my current job, and even let me sit near a fireplace! (I couldn’t sit close to it too long, otherwise I’d just end up hard-boiled.) While I’m still awaiting my destiny of selling cereal, I’m becoming a good blogger and trying to organize a presidential campaign.
I hope this bio answered most of your questions.